Wishes and Fears
by doc-trigger
Summary: Mikey worries about just how deep into his role as goofball he's gotten himself into.


I'm sure this has been done a million times over, but I love Mikey, and I think he'd deeper than just comedic relief. Hope you enjoy! D

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**Wishes and Fears**

I sometimes wonder why I continued on with this act for so long, and then I wonder if it's still an act. This happy-go-lucky mask has seem to have gotten stuck over the years, and I've stayed up at nights contemplating exactly why I put it on in the first place. I remember things being very boring around the lair before we could get a hold of different trinkets to play with. I knew then, like I remind myself now, that there had to be some way to keep entertained, and I appointed myself court jester. Small things; silly jokes, harmless pranks, things that everyone could get a laugh out of, if only for a moment.

Slowly, over time, the jokes became more of a ritual; a daily necessity. Even when I felt that the others were no longer in the mood to listen to my latest comedic discovery, I kept it up, because I knew that, even though they couldn't understand it, I was playing my part in this family. I knew that, if nobody was there to keep them on their toes, to get the occasional rise out of them, and even to make them laugh from time to time, they'd go crazy.

I'm not trying to make myself seem extremely important, because, even though I feel my role is needed, I also feel that my brother's are capable of adapting. I'm scared though; scared that one day, I won't be there, and they won't adapt. I'm scared that Donnie will lock himself away in that lab of his; refusing to leave until he created another one of his great inventions, and even when that was completed, start on a new one. That, without me to distract him and make him eat and enjoy something outside his own little world, he'd shut himself off completely. I'm scared that Raph won't have something to take his frustration out on, and that, where I was once his way of releasing stress, the rest of the family would have to take the task of keeping him calm. And Leo. Oh God, I'm scared for Leo. He's bad enough now, always training to make himself better, never resting. Many a time I have forced him to stop practicing because I 'accidentally' wrecked something. I'm scared that, without me there, he won't stop until he has reached perfection. I'm scared of what perfection is.

I know everyone thinks I'm just a reckless goofball, and sometimes, they're right. I just wish they didn't always think that. I wish that when I told them something, they'd listen, and not just think that I was playing another prank. I wish that when I was sick, they'd pay attention to the warning signs, and not just dismiss as me trying to get out of practice. I wish they remembered that the last time I actually did that was when I was five. I wish I didn't have to wish for such little, everyday things.

I've tried so many times to peal off this mask; to make my brothers understand that I wasn't a liability, just a friend and a brother trying to make the best of a situation. Every time that mask started pealing off though, I got scared. I was scared that they wouldn't accept this new me. That they'd think it was just some big joke, or that I was sick. I tried it once. I kept that mask off for a whole day. I broke down crying at the end. That was three years ago. In no way was I somber, but I wasn't cracking jokes every second. I listened to what I was told, and did my best. While I was watching TV, Raph got mad at me. He said I was just trying to worry them, or make myself look good to Master Splinter so that I could get something. I tried to explain, but he wouldn't listen. He got angry, said that I was lying, and, like so many times before, we started fighting. Things got physical, and this time, I wasn't about to hold back. Raph stayed in bad with a cracked plastron for four days. I could never take the mask off after that.

I lay in bed that night, wondering if they knew just how much I contributed to the family. How, even though they didn't realize it, I kept them sane. I think Don knows. He's always there to help me stop a fight between Leo and Raph. He understands that we need some light-heartedness around here to keep things like that from happening on a daily basis, but I don't think he understands everything. I don't think that he knows that, because I'm such a goof ball, he's more alert. He feels the need to protect me because he's scared I'm going to kill myself doing something stupid. I know he needs to feel that; that he's doing some good other than being the resident mechanic. Of course, there are times when I'm so glad that I've installed that protective urge in him, because I could very well have ended up turtle soup without his help.

Raph, well, I'm sure Raph doesn't know why I do the things I do. He thinks it's just to piss him off, and for a while, I was alright with that, because he was my big brother. I looked up to him. I'm not sure exactly when I stopped looking up to him; maybe I never did, but I know I stopped being ok with me being his live punching bag, and yet, here I am, still goofing around to get his hair to stand on end, and get him so angry that he's ready to bash my skull in. I get him hyped up, so that he'll have a good excuse to leave the lair and go out by himself. He would have gone crazy sitting here in the lair, with only his brothers and father for company. He needs the outside world more than he cares to admit.

Leo, well, he's too busy worrying about protecting the family to realize I'm the one who started him on being 'fearless leader'. I didn't want to, it just came out that way. While joking around to give my bro's a good laugh when we were four, I accidentally slipped on a pipe, fell, and nearly drowned because I hit my head on said pipe. Leo saved me that day, and ever since then, has made it his life to keep everyone safe. I worry that he's not taking that same care with himself. That's where I come in. When I bug him enough during his training, he gives up, gets mad, and I force food down his throat. He doesn't know that either; that I force him to eat. HA! He doesn't know I force him to live.

I'm the reckless one. The one without a care in the world. I'm scared that I'm losing touch with why I started being like this in the first place, and I wish I could be plain ol' Mikey without being asked what was wrong. I wish I could take off this mask, and I'm scared that I'll never be able to.

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Well, I hope you liked it. If you did, or if you didn't, please review! It's a great picker-uper! 


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